This is a loaded question, because looking back NOW there were so many obvious indicators. I remember in college, I was approached by my dad when he came to visit me for dinner. He is an alcoholic, but he said to me "just be careful with alcohol please, remember that I am an alcoholic and it could potentially catch up to you". That went right over my head. At the time, I had been working at a local bar there- so of course, that means a free after shift drink. At first, it was just one drink- then it turned into two and as time went on, I was catching myself going out almost every time I had the closing shift.
My boyfriend at the time and his friends would come in on the nights I closed and we would sit there and shoot the shit for HOURS after close. I'd be pouring beers, making, shots, mixed drinks- I was always trying to get people drunk, so I wasn't the only one. It eventually just became a weekly thing- it would be my boyfriend, my co- worker, and our other friend. I will be honest, those memories are when I miss drinking. I am allowed to grieve and miss drinking; but that doesn't mean I want it back. Kind of like a toxic ex that you know is bad for you and you know you can never go back, but you still hold onto the good memories. I want to believe this is where the constant drinking began, but it was not to the point of where I needed it everyday, it was just apart of my college day routine.
I graduated and moved back in with my mom and step dad. My family in general has always just been known to have a beer or two at family gatherings, so it was such a normalized thing. I was still catching myself having one or two a night, whether that was with dinner or sitting outside with my mom. I went through somethings very personal, which caused me start drinking more than just one or two. I was drinking 2 bottles of wine in a night, or a whole 6 pack of white claws, or 3 or 4 mixies. I needed to feel buzzed in order to communicate my feelings otherwise I did not say anything. I started noticing some real heavy weight gain, because I was filling my body with so many empty calories every night, and eating junk food.
I started waking up with major anxiety and then eventually started getting panic attacks. I thought that I was just stressed, because I was doing long distance with my boyfriend, living with my parents, had no goals or career opportunities- I was just working at a coffee shop. I noticed myself googling, "how do you know if you have an alcohol problem?" sometimes, and then I would stop for a week or two then I would pick it right back up. I eventually moved out and got a big girl job in Traverse City and for awhile there, I was not drinking that much! But, when I was drinking, I got drunk every single time. It wasn't like I could just have one and be done, I needed a buzz.
I then went through the most heartbreaking breakup. I was devastated. I turned to drinking. It became a routine- go to work, stop and get white claws, drink, sleep, waking up hungover, and repeat. White claws eventually turned into liquor and that is where everything just went south from there. I still denied it in my head for a year- until I was finding myself waking up next to bottles. Hiding bottles. Going to different liquor stores so they didn't think I had a problem.
When I was still googling, "am I withdrawing", "withdrawal symptoms", "how to get help without going to detox", I absolutely knew I had a problem and I was in too deep at that point. So, moral of the story, if you are suspecting you have an issue... you my have an issue.